Stupid things that get said to me

[Graham Walters]

As a postman I get to meet people from all walks of life, from Army Colonels to people who just seem to be at home all day and watch Jeremy Kyle.

I thought I would share some of the things that are said to me in my daily work, with my (rather) sarcastic replies.

Handing over a parcel :

Is that for me ?

No it's actually for some one three streets away, but I've forgotten where I am !

....................

Whats that ?

I don't know, we don't have time to  open them all !

.........

Whats that ?

Sorry I'm a postman.. not Superman.  ( xray vision)

.........
Standing soaking wet on the doorstep :

Is it raining ?

No I always shower fully clothed !

.........

My mails wet

Sorry I ran so fast to get here, it got covered in sweat !

.......

Have you got any mail for me.... as you walk past the house

Yes but I've decided to liven the day up and deliver all the letters to the wrong houses

.........

Do you like being a postman

Well... it keeps me off the streets ..

..........

How far do you walk in a day.

Roughly ?

Yeah

About the same distance after I get half way round as I did to get there

............

Hey Postie I haven't had any mail for  X days

Try writing to someone....they might reply

.......

I have been called into the managers office on more than one occasion for my comments, but I still carry on, I can't see how some people can be offended by the reply when they ask such dumb questions.

[guest311]

I believe the term to describe this is ....

mouth engaged before brain 

[Jack]

I can empathise with GW. I'm a High reach window cleaner who uses water fed poles and during the holiday season I'll get people ask me "Does it actually clean windows?" (referring to the equipment), or "What am I fishing for?", or other such daft questions and comments. After a while it becomes annoying because people thing it's the first time their particular joke like comment has been made.

Fortunately, unlike GW, I'm self employed so I don't have a line manager to stand in front of if someone gets a polite, but equally daft response along similar line as GW 

Oh and the normal reposes to the two I've mentioned - "No, my client just likes the seagull poo rearranged", or "Its out of season for what I'm fishing for."

Apologises that this is turned into a minor rant - I just got in from a day spent cleaning windows in Mevagissey and it's been one of those days of lots of daft comments.

[thebrighton]

Greetings,
Being a fellow postie I get the same sort of inane questions but am too long in the tooth now to be bothered to answer half the time!

'I don't remember ordering anything' when they get parcels every day.
'He won't hurt, he just wants to say hello' as their dog is sinking its teeth into my leg.
'You must love your job in the summer' as I've a 16kg bag over my shoulder, sweat pouring down my face, and only 3 hours to go.
'You mis-delivered this to me yesterday' when it quite clearly has their address on it if not their name.
'This isn't for me' when it's addressed to the occupier.
'You woke me up' when they're home all the time, it's 11.30 and it's a parcel they've ordered.
'Don't walk on my garden' when why would I? The grass is 2 foot tall, growing up through the rusty car, sofa and fridge.
'They're not in' when I've been standing at a neighbours door for a while then go in not taking the parcel.
'Are you our new postie' when I've been delivering to them years and regularly say hello.
'What must you think me answering the door in my nightie/towel' as I'm trying to tear my eyes out.
'Postman Pat, Postman Pat, where's your cat'.
Of course occasionally you have to reply accordingly. 'Can you just put it down there as I'm not dressed' as they hide behind a partially opened door. 'I know, it's a glass door!'
Still, it makes the day more entertaining.
Gareth

[Graham Walters]

Greetings,
Being a fellow postie I get the same sort of inane questions but am too long in the tooth now to be bothered to answer half the time!

'I don't remember ordering anything' when they get parcels every day.
'He won't hurt, he just wants to say hello' as their dog is sinking its teeth into my leg.
'You must love your job in the summer' as I've a 16kg bag over my shoulder, sweat pouring down my face, and only 3 hours to go.
'You mis-delivered this to me yesterday' when it quite clearly has their address on it if not their name.
'This isn't for me' when it's addressed to the occupier.
'You woke me up' when they're home all the time, it's 11.30 and it's a parcel they've ordered.
'Don't walk on my garden' when why would I? The grass is 2 foot tall, growing up through the rusty car, sofa and fridge.
'They're not in' when I've been standing at a neighbours door for a while then go in not taking the parcel.
'Are you our new postie' when I've been delivering to them years and regularly say hello.
'What must you think me answering the door in my nightie/towel' as I'm trying to tear my eyes out.
'Postman Pat, Postman Pat, where's your cat'.
Of course occasionally you have to reply accordingly. 'Can you just put it down there as I'm not dressed' as they hide behind a partially opened door. 'I know, it's a glass door!'
Still, it makes the day more entertaining.
Gareth

Ah yes the "frosted" glass door that a postie's trained eye can see through, but often doesn't want to as the female of the house comes trotting down the stairs from the shower trying to wrap a towel around herself on the way.

One over weight lady accidentally dropped her towel in front of me while trying to sign for a package, she sort of apologised by saying "Oh I expect you've seen it all before"   Yes I said, but a lot less than that !

[railsquid]

Is there a postman version of this?


http://youtu.be/gOjtaXdbqfU

[joe cassidy]

Thank you Graham and Gareth for making me laugh - the truth is stranger and funnier than fiction.

Was there ever a 'Carry on Postie' in the Carry On series ?

Best regards,


Joe

[Graham Walters]

I don't think there ever was a "Carry on Postie" or a "Confessions of a Postman"

I think the problem is that like a Policeman it's illegal to wear Postmans Uniform, unless you are one !

[MikeDunn]

Explain "Carry On Constable" then 

[Sprintex]

. . . and gawd-knows-how-many episodes of The Bill


Paul

[Graham Walters]

. . . and gawd-knows-how-many episodes of The Bill


Paul

Policemans Uniform are easy to get away with, because of the badge, as long as it doesn't say "Police" on it, it's not a "Police Uniform".  In the ITV series "The Bill" the wording on the badge was a load of nonsense.

With a postman it's different, it's illegal to use the Royal Cipher without the consent of the Monarch.

[Malc]

Will that still apply when they sell it off!

[dannyboy]

Ring any company and half the time you get someone answering by saying, "Can I help you?" Why do they think I am ringing them? I want some help with something, I am not ringing to just pass the time!

[D1042 Western Princess]

Stupid questions don't just apply to the Royal Mail, I had my fair share on the railway.

Such as:
Q/ "Excuse me, where's this train going?"

A/ "Gatwick Airport" (for example).

Q/ "Does it stop at Wokingham?" (or wherever).

Why not just ask "Does this train stop at Wokingham?"

Or a variation:

Q/ "Where does this train stop?"

A/ I begin to list every station (eg, Wokingham, Crowthorne, Sandhurst, Blackwater) by which time the passenger has lost patience and says (something like) "Does it stop at Guildford?"

Even official announcements are not immune to stupidity, eg
"Please stand clear of the next train to arrive at Platform 3, it is not scheduled to stop at this station". OK, but when Platform 3 is a BAY platform  !

And more stupid questions:

Q/ "What time will this train reach (wherever)?

A/ "If I knew that I'd be picking winning lottery numbers every week. If it helps I can tell you what time its scheduled to arrive".

They look at you as if you're mad! Why, when it's a truthful reply?

OR

Q/ "Will this train stop at Paddington?"

A/ "Yes, one way or another". 

For those who don't know Paddington there are no through platforms from the main or relief lines.


But my absolute favourite, which still makes me smile years later:

A man, rushing from Platform 4A at Reading (before rebuilding) asked "Which platform do I need for my connection?"

A/ "I don't know, Sir. Where are you going?"

Reply "That's none of your concern, I just need the platform number" and rushed off complaining about 'Unhelpful  staff".

[railsquid]

But my absolute favourite, which still makes me smile years later:

A man, rushing from Platform 4A at Reading (before rebuilding) asked "Which platform do I need for my connection?"

A/ "I don't know, Sir. Where are you going?"

Reply "That's none of your concern, I just need the platform number" and rushed off complaining about 'Unhelpful  staff".

Doh "Platform 9 3/4" is the obvious answer.